GREENSBORO, N.C. — When a friend is struggling with a situation, you want to help whether it's listening or doing something to make their situation better. Sometimes whatever you do doesn't seem to help. What you may not realize is that perhaps you're helping in the wrong way.
When you try to say something to make someone feel better, you're generally thinking about what would make you feel better. Even if you're intent is good, your effort might fall flat because you're not seeing it from your friend's perspective. This is tough because some people expect you to know what to say or do.
When you're not sure what to say, you might use a cliche to help someone feel better and that can be either hit or miss. Examples of cliches are, "You gotta make lemons out of lemonade, "You'll find love when you stop looking," and "Everything happens for a reason." The reason these fall flat is because they aren't addressing what the person is feeling in the moment.
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To get to the way someone is feeling in the moment, listen to their words, the way they describe the situation. Watch their body language for their pain points. A great way to show empathy is by acknowledging their current struggle and their emotions about the situation. You might say something like, "I hate that you're going through this," "I can see that you're struggling with this," or "I'd like to help. I'm not sure what to say." Before you offer solutions or suggestions on what to do, ask them first. You can say, "May I share a story?" This gives the person an opportunity to say no if they're not up to it.
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