Survivor shares her story as domestic violence murder rates rise in the Triad

Survivor Marva Edwards of Greensboro knows the reality of the dangers of domestic violence all too well.

Edwards said her relationship began in a traditional way before it became violent.

"We met, started sharing conversations over the phone...shortly thereafter we went out on a date. He was the perfect gentleman. Very charming," Edwards said. 

A few months into dating she started to see signs of his overly-attentive behavior.

"I noticed that he always wanted to know where I was, who had been by, what I did all day. I took that as being the manner of someone who is genuinely concerned and who cared," she said. 

Edwards said it wasn't long before he started dictating how family members behaved, yelling, and being indirectly demeaning.

Her first thoughts of leaving the relationship came when she became pregnant with his child. When she told him she wanted to end the relationship, she said he threatened to kill himself.

"I felt 100% responsible, so that prevented me from feeling empowered to leave," Edwards recalled. 

Edwards said they got married and within six months the abuse progressed.

"He went from being verbally abusive, having hit me, to becoming consistently verbally abusive and physically abusive - to the point who I had been - I was no longer - who I was, was somewhere buried beneath. I was so afraid of him. For me it wasn't about money, it wasn't about what I was going to lose. It was about fear and what he might do to me," she said. 

Edwards said on top of their private life, there was added pressure to the relationship due to their public life.

"He was also my pastor. I went to church. I acted as though everything was perfectly fine. I wore makeup - I covered every bruise, every scar. I was smiling big smiles on the outside. On the inside, I was completely torn apart."

She said she started to reach out to friends for support.

"I would eventually have conversations with a couple of friends about what was going on. A lot of people saw it but didn't respond to it. Some didn't want to be involved - some didn't know how to involve themselves - they just didn't know what to do," Edwards said. 

Edwards said this made finding a path to leave difficult.

"I stayed in it because I felt trapped. I didn't know what to do. I have plenty of family in Greensboro and I still felt like I didn't have anywhere to go. I felt like no one could really understand," she said. 

When the abuse became too much, Edwards said she sought out help from the police.

"I called the police multiple times. I filed a restraining order. I honestly started fighting back. Even though I was full of fear, I still physically stood up for myself. My plan was just to get him out," she said.

Edwards said her abuser would stalk her, have other people stalk her - even going as far as to hide beneath her house - tracking her by crawling underneath the floorboards wherever she went. 

One morning she said she woke up to him standing over her after he broke into the house.

Everything led up to a big fight where the police were called.

"I was about to be handcuffed myself because from the outside it looked like he was the victim rather than myself. What spared me was I had that paper trail - a lot of times victims become frustrated [with the paperwork]. Had it not been for that paper trail, having called the police multiple occasions - for me, that created a pattern that says I am being victimized and I do need help and this is the person who is victimizing me," Edwards said.

Although her abuser was arrested, she said his time in jail was short-lived. Edwards said the end of the relationship was cemented when she set boundaries.

"I made a conscious decision not to re-engage him in any sort of way - not in conversation, not with direct visitation, because we share a child, no phone calls - I completely severed ties," she said. 

The road to leaving a domestic violence relationship is a long journey. Fortunately, there are resources in Guilford County to help every step of the way.

The Family Justice Center and Family Service of the Piedmont are both organizations, with offices in Greensboro, that help victims and survivors of domestic violence.

Catherine Johnson, Director of the Family Justice Center, said domestic violence relationships are rooted in power and control.

Having a partner who is trying to control everything and isolates you from your friends and family are some of the signs that indicate a domestic violence relationship Johnson said.

Sondra Phelps, Community Outreach Team Coordinator with Family Service of the Piedmont, said that some other signs to be aware of are if your partner is possessive or jealous, blows things out of proportion, or moves too quickly in the relationship.

Phelps and Johnson said a big indicator that a domestic violence relationship might lead to murder is strangulation.

"The Strangulation Institute says that you are 1,000% more likely to be killed by your partner if you are strangled than any other form of physical abuse. That means your abuser has your life in their hands and we [Family Justice Center] see that as attempted murder," Johnson said. 

Phelps agreed that strangulation is dangerous and spoke to the level of violence a person is capable of.

"It's a very quick way to hurt someone. I believe it's [a few] seconds of pressure on the neck is enough to cause loss of consciousness. There is something very different about being willing to put your hands around someone else's throat and cut off that oxygen or blood supply to the brain," Phelps said. 

Phelps listed other warning signs that a relationship might become fatal like a partner making threats of suicide or murder, and stalking.

Johnson said if a weapon is involved or the abuse happens in the presence of a minor are other factors that increase the likelihood of murder.

Both Johnson and Phelps agreed the most volatile a relationship can get is at the termination point.

"An abuser is most likely to do the worst thing after you've made the decision to leave," Johnson said.

Phelps said the reason for this is because they are losing control.

That's why Edwards, Phelps, and Johnson say having a safety plan in place is crucial.

Phelps said the Family Service of the Piedmont encourages victims to start preparing their safety plan with a few steps.

"We always recommend setting aside some of those important documents and maybe some money if possible," Phelps said. 

Phelps said to put these items in a safe but easy-to-access place in case of emergency. She said to make sure it is in a place where it is not likely to be found, so it doesn't lead to a dangerous situation.

Johnson said all safety plans look different based on the circumstance - that's why it's one of the resources the Family Justice Center offers.

"We have a trained staff here at the Family Justice Center who can talk with survivors...we're going to talk with the survivor around things of safety...who are the safe people in your life you can share what's happening to you with, filing a restraining order, or exploring criminal charges," Johnson said. 

Both the Family Justice Center and the Family Service of the Piedmont offer a variety of resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

Family Service of the Piedmont offers general advocacy services, support groups, counseling for adults, and children, and assistance in filing restraining orders.

They also have two emergency shelters - one in High Point and one in Greensboro. Both are open to all genders.

The Family Justice Center is a one-stop shop with multiple agencies working together.

Johnson said some of the resources they offer are victim advocacy, safety planning, access to emergency shelter, and court accompaniment.

They have a partnership with Elon University and Legal Aid which assist in providing legal advice.

The Family Justice Center also offers child advocacy services through Family Service of the Piedmont.

Edwards provides peer support at the Family Justice Center and also supports victims and survivors through her own ministry: Marva's Outreach Mission.

Through her ministry, Edwards launched a calendar called 'Inspire' that highlights survivors of domestic violence, along with a 5K walk/run, and 'Celebration of Survivors' - an event they host every year that celebrates survivors of domestic abuse with live music, entertainment, and catered meals.

While Edwards, the Family Justice Center, and Family Service of the Piedmont have various resources, they said an essential resource is family and friends.

What can you do to help someone who is in a domestic violence relationship? Johnson said it starts with a crucial and simple step: Listen.

"One of the most common things that survivors share with me is when they tried to tell someone what was going on [is] that the person didn't hear them or didn't listen. You have two ears and one mouth - use them in proportion, so when someone's telling you something hard, or difficult, or scary, it's really important to be a listener first," Johnson said. 

Johnson also advises people to focus on the person who needs the help and not on the person doing the harm.

"If we put our energy on the person doing the harm then we put the person who needs the help in a position to defend that other person. We want to be in a conversation where people can share and be open with us," she said.

This starts the road to healing. 

Edwards said it took her several years after her divorce from her abuser to heal from her experience with domestic violence and credits prayer and her relationship with God.

She also said one of the things that helped was remembering who she was.

"Outside of me just being a woman, and having been someone's wife, that I was also a mother, I was also a daughter, a sister. I was many different things to many people and while it seemed so dark at the time, I still understood that I had purpose," Edwards said.

If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence, here are some resources you can reach out to:

• The Family Justice Center at 336-641-7233
• Family Service of the Piedmont at 336-387-6161
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-799-7233, available 24/7

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