GREENSBORO, N.C. — It's the holiday season and while it's the perfect time to have fun, there is some etiquette you should follow. From how much you tip to regifting. From hosting a party to being a quest. Culture and Etiquette Expert Sharon Schweitzer covers it all.
Holiday etiquette
Include safety measures in the invitation
As a host, advise your guests about your pandemic safety requirements in advance to avoid awkwardness. How will vaccination status and the wearing of face-coverings, or masks be managed? Will ventilation, an indoor or outdoor area be available? Be prepared by including this with the invitation.
Preload dinner dialogue
Be informed with relevant conversation topics by beginning your morning reading news that impacts your world. Check 2021’s Nobel Prize winners, and your bookstore’s Top 100 Bestsellers for potential subjects. Have pleasant conversation starters for intriguing dinner dialogue and recruit allies to help you keep things on track.
Seating plan
Organizing the table in advance with name cards puts your guests at ease. This avoids the last-minute dilemma of selecting a seat for a new friend or significant other. Keep the conversation interesting by seating extroverts next to introverts. Seat kiddos next to elders. Avoid melodrama by separating sassy cats at the table.
Host’s toast
Before the meal, raise a toast thanking your guests for accepting your invitation to attend and set boundaries. Consider: “As we express our gratitude for our blessings, let us remember to be civil and kind at our holiday table. We know different generations like or dislike talking about politics so to keep the peace, we appreciate everyone avoiding politics at the table. Instead, let us share their thoughts on upcoming travel, books, and pets.” Close with a positive tone and humor.
Hone your hearing skills
As a host or savvy guest, when controversial topics like politics, vaccines, or prying personal questions arise, graciously segue the dialogue in a different direction. For example, if your Uncle Dave asks your neighbor Bob the pilot their thoughts on federal vaccine mandates, interject with, “Oh Bob, we would love to hear about your Labrador retriever’s obedience training! How did that go?” Raise a new but interesting topic.
Wine
Either pour wine yourself or designate a co-host to serve wine gracefully and properly. This allows the hosts to monitor wine consumption by keeping the bottle close by and controlling refills. If a guest has reached their limit, you can strategize accordingly. After cousin Jamie’s enjoyed three glasses of wine, maybe it is time for coffee or dessert.
Rascals as guests
Hosts may exhaust their best tactics and yet guests may over-consume, overshare, or overdo political rantings. After your best attempts to pour coffee or change the conversation flop, ask the rascal guest to help you in the kitchen so you can speak to them privately. In a quiet area away from other guests, gently advise them this is not the time or place. Avoid embarrassing them in a group setting.
Holidays and COVID-19
Vaccine and COVID-19 status
It’s the host’s duty to put their guests at ease. If you’re hosting a gathering and you require guests to be fully vaccinated, show a negative COVID test, or plan a mask-less event, include this with the invitation. Advise all guests in advance of the environment they’ll be entering. Place the decision-making power with them so they can decide whether to attend.
Prepare in advance
Gatherings require advanced planning by flexible hosts. If variant numbers rise again, hosts might need to postpone or cancel. Guests who are invited to a holiday celebration will want to respect the host’s decision, even if the notice arrives at the last minute.
Follow regional and CDC guidelines
Recommendations are frequently updated so as a host, check the latest guidelines posted by your regional and federal experts. Advice regarding distancing, gatherings, hand washing, masks, outdoor activities, and indoor ventilation can be updated frequently. Make sure and let your guests know in advance the protocols you will be following and that they are expected to follow as well.
Stay home and cozy
If you have a sniffle, resist the temptation to push through and go to the gathering. Stay home and cuddle up with your furry friend. As we learned last year in 2020; it’s just not worth the risk to attend anyway. In this pandemic-driven world, it’s not only about your health and well-being but also about being respectful of the community.
Show gratitude
As we continue to navigate this pandemic through another challenging holiday season, let’s remember the reason for the season. The best thing we can do is accept change, behave well, practice patience, act with civility, and be kind. Don’t be a rogue guest. Avoid discussion about sex, politics, and religion. Avoid prying questions. Focus on gratitude and the platinum rule, treat others how they want to be treated.
BYOM (Bring Your Own Meal & Mask)
BYOM serves double duty again this year, with the ‘M’ meaning meal and mask. Prior to 2020, it was customary for guests to bring at least one dish to the holiday gathering. Again, this year, for safety, it is not unusual to ask each family to bring or contribute their own meal. Hosts will want to ask their guests to arrive wearing a mask and know the BYOM rules in advance so there is no confusion and awkwardness.
Drive instead of fly when possible
The holidays are typically the busiest travel period of the year for air travel. Although the airlines and airports have undergone stringent hygiene upgrades during the pandemic and air travel has been deemed safer despite COVID concerns, nonetheless, it still increases your risk. When possible, turn holiday travel into a fun road trip. Consider traveling at off-peak times to avoid contact with the crowd of other holiday travelers.
Naïve realism
The tendency to believe that the way we view the world is the way it really exists is identified by psychologists as naïve realism. In other words, your view of COVID, pandemic, politics, religion, sex, or anything else. When your view is only one of a range of other perspectives held by intelligent people. So, when engaged in dialogue with other people, keep in mind that your opinion isn’t going to match theirs. That’s what makes our world so rich.
Holiday tipping
A holiday tip is a way to express gratitude for the past year of loyalty and service. As the pandemic grinds on, personal circumstances continue to evolve, and it is important to avoid overextending yourself financially to tip others.
Budget
Calculate how much you’re willing and able to spend. Remember, holiday tipping is not an obligation. Below, we list alternatives to big-spending to soften that January blow to the bank balance.
Priority List
Make a list of those you wish to tip, placing those who help most frequently at the top. Keep in mind local and regional customs, service quality and frequency, and relationship length.
Cash or Cashless?
A cashless society may be in our future; however, it hasn’t arrived just yet. If you’re giving cash, obtain clean crisp banknotes from your financial institution. Otherwise, consider contactless apps Cash App, Google Pay, Venmo, or Zelle.
Monetary Alternatives
Consider a heartfelt card, retail or pre-packaged holiday delivery, or a gift card with a value of at least two specialty coffees.
Handwritten Note
A handwritten thank-you note is a genuine way to demonstrate gratitude and express your appreciation for loyalty.
Local Artisan Pieces
Consider essential oils, embroidered face coverings, votive candles, tea towels, organic soap, and pre-packaged coffee or tea blends.
Stimulate Childhood Imagination
Children enjoy drawing unique cards and papers for au pairs, babysitters, coaches, nannies, and teachers. Pair this with a contactless gift, gift card, or monetary bonus.
Homemade Food
The CDC and medical experts advise when food safety considerations are followed, gifting homemade goods is very likely low risk.
Regifting customs and etiquette
If you are going to regift, consider the following guidelines:
- The key is the recipient. Regift to the right person. Is this an item they would choose for themselves? Is it a quality gift that they will genuinely enjoy?
- Include instructions and original packaging. During a pandemic, avoid gifting a previously used item or a “hand-me-down.” Use the original packaging and double-check that the item is fully sealed.
- Personalized or unique? When receiving a monogrammed item as a unique gift, it is inappropriate to regift this item. It is also a faux pas to regift engraved, unique, or personalized gifts that are undeniably meant for a specific person.
- Different regifting circles. Avoid regifting within the same circles. To avert awkward encounters and wounded feelings, regift within a different business, family, friend, and colleague circles. Think your mother-in-law will not notice that your sister received the identical premium air fryer that she gave you for your birthday? Think again!
- Avoid regifting to the original giver. Keep a running list of potential regifts and the original giver. It is awkward to regift to the original gift giver.
- Place them in a new gift box or wrap them nicely in the recipient’s favorite color.
- Be honest and authentic: I prefer to come clean about regifting to protect my integrity. For example, before you must confess you regifted the package; be forthright. Let the recipient know that this is a perfect regift and the reason. If your BFF gave you a silk scarf, for example, and she found out that you gave it to your mother who wears them 5 of 7 days a week, respond with, “Thanks for your kind gift. However, I am claustrophobic about anything around my neck. So, I decided my dear mom Lynn who collects beautiful scarves, will wear this floral pattern frequently. If I offended you, I apologize. I do appreciate your kind gift.”
- Gratitude: More than anything, remember that gift-giving is an expression of gratitude and appreciation for the recipient. In the end, you want to acknowledge the person’s importance and value to you. Regardless of what you decide this holiday season, keep in mind the goal of expressing your gratitude and making the recipient feel appreciated.
Acceptable Items for Regifting
- Alcohol or Spirits: Not really a gin or vodka fan? Did you stop drinking? When you know that a recipient will happily receive a spirit or fortified wine, gently toss that bottle in a colorful gift bag and regift it with joy. When the bottle still has the original seal intact, craft beer, spirits, and wine make perfect regifts.
- Appliances and gadgets (small): Small appliances including air fryers, cordless mixers, mini waffle-makers, panini-makers, and rice cookers, are great for regifting when in their original packaging and unused.
- Certain Clothing: If it's unworn, original tags are attached, it is one size fits all, (or you are positive about the intended recipient’s size); it is ok to regift. Gloves, hats, scarves, socks, slippers, wraps, and fashionable items are excellent items.
- Fragrances: Be cautious here. Only regift if certain the recipient likes or wears this fragrance, the fragrance is still in its original packaging, including the plastic wrapping around the fragrance box, which means you have not opened the box or the bottle, it is considered unused. Be cautious: once the plastic is unwrapped, it is considered used.
- Gift cards: Regift immediately and be certain the expiration date is not soon or expired. Double-check the balance before presenting it to a new gift cardholder.
- Prepackaged Gift baskets: Only if done immediately, and nothing perishable has been improperly managed, stored, or has expired.
- Technology, games, and puzzles: Aficionados will be thrilled with these items.
Inappropriate Items for regifting
- Certain foods: Never regift expired perishable food. For example, packaged food in a gift basket can cause food poisoning or severe illness. Homemade bread and cakes baked for you are not meant to be regifted.
- Personal clothing: Avoid regifting certain clothing that may be viewed as inappropriate such as lingerie or personal undergarments. These items may send the wrong message and unintentionally offend the recipient and/or their partner.
- Broken seal: Avoid regifting opened gifts because once the seal is broken by someone, the gift is “used” and no longer a new gift. This means the giver owes an explanation or else the recipient feels unappreciated.
- Worn clothing: Avoid regifting worn clothing, not only for hygiene reasons but also because the recipient may have attended a game where the giver wore the sweatshirt or seen a photograph of the giver sporting those jeans. It becomes obvious that this is not a new gift selected with care for the recipient.
- Used gift: Avoid regifting a used gift; for example, a used blender because you just cannot microscopically sanitize it enough to remove all the particles. We all know that we sample our own smoothies and concoctions, so this is not a sanitary item to regift.
- Broken gifts: This is just downright wrong. How frustrating for the recipient! They are so excited to receive that air fryer convection oven they have been hoping for only to discover it does not work. If the gift receipt is not enclosed, the recipient has the awkward choice of calling the giver to ask for a gift receipt or writing a gracious thank-you note that does not mention that the gift is broken.
- Footwear and shoes: Fit and sizing are unique when it comes to shoes. Everyone defines comfort a little differently when you spend 10-12 hours a day on your feet, so footwear is not on the regift list.
