GREENSBORO, N.C. — Thanksgiving is on Thursday and holiday festivities are around the corner. Lots of us will be visiting family and friends and spending lots of time together. However, this can bring about tough moments, feelings and conversations.
Dr. David Gutterman, a clinical psychologist, with LeBauer Behavioral Medicine, introduces strategies to help manage healthy conversations with family and friends this holiday season.
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What advice do you have for facing Thanksgiving if a loved one is not present?
If the loved one has passed, don't ignore the feeling. Use it as an opportunity to take a few moments to acknowledge the loss with the group and share good memories.
If someone is absent because they couldn't be there for other reasons, use tools like Zoom or FaceTime to bring that person to the table for a short time.
What do you do if you see someone get emotional at the Thanksgiving table?
"The thing to do is not ignore it," said Gutterman. "But to acknowledge it, when someone is clearly upset for one reason or another."
Depending on the severity, it can be beneficial for the person to be taken aside and given a few moments to talk about their feelings.
What shouldn't you do in that situation?
Don't ignore the feelings.
"You don't want to cover up, whether it's your own feelings or the feelings of a family member," said Gutterman.
How should you handle your own emotions during Thanksgiving?
The worst thing you can do is repress your emotions because those feelings will show themselves in one way or another, explained Gutterman. This can also lead people to make assumptions about what you are feeling. Share with others what you are feeling.
It's okay to have a strategy in place when you feel those tough emotions bubbling up. Whether it's taking a time out, going for a walk, or sharing with your family and friends what you're feeling.
How can you lighten the mood?
Every person and family unit has their own triggers, and when those triggers are touched it can bring some unpleasant reactions. In order to shift the conversation, ask people around the table to talk about what they are grateful for or plans for the new year. Shift the conversation to something that everyone can participate in positively.
How to handle uncomfortable conversations?
"You don't want to take a deep dive into that. I would often suggest that it's often very helpful to talk to your guests before they arrive about topics to not be bringing up at the table," said Gutterman.
What topics should be avoided at Thanksgiving?
It's different for everyone, so talk to your guests before they arrive about which topics to stay away from that work for your family.
If someone decides to go there anyway, you can ask them to not have that conversation right now.
How should you prepare ahead of time for the holidays?
Keep in mind what you want out of the celebration.
"This is not the time, generally, to resolve old family wounds and injuries," said Gutterman. "It's a time to be in touch with what you're grateful for, what's important to you and it's about relationships."
Discussing expectations with your family ahead of time can also be helpful.
Do's and Don'ts of tough conversations
Do's: Be respectful, especially around people you're comfortable with and/or when alcohol is involved, talk about expectations to make sure everyone is on the same page, and have a game plan for when tough emotions arise.
Don'ts: Don't escalate the situation. If someone says something off-color or offensive, responding will only escalate the situation. Don't pile on or recruit family members to attack or respond to the comment. Don't have unrealistic expectations, which can lead to disappointment.
What are the signs that a loved one may need to talk to a professional?
"If you see someone around the table whose behavior is very different, or way out of the ordinary from how that person generally is, that is an opportunity to pull them aside and make a comment that their behavior seems very different and invite them to share with you what might be going on," said Gutterman.
If it seems like something that is beyond the realm of the relationship, that's when it's a good idea to seek help.