In a recent interview, actor David Harbour of Stranger Things talked about being a stepdad to his wife, Lily Allen, and two young daughters. He said it’s one of the hardest things he’s had to do. Through it all, he has a special relationship with his stepdaughters. Here are some thoughts about what it takes to have a solid stepparent-stepchild relationship.
Trust makes a stepparent-stepchild relationship solid. The child must trust that you’ll respect their feelings and understand that it’s a process for them to adjust to a blended family. This means that there may be times that they want alone time with their parent and for you not to take it personally. They need to trust that you won’t turn your back on them when they’re trying to figure out the new dynamics of the stepfamily or when they sort their feelings. Trust that you’ll support them no matter what. Trust that you’ll accept them for who they are. Trust that you really love their mom or dad. Trust that they can count on you.
A stepparent should expect that it’s a journey with ups and downs in building a solid blended family. You, as a stepparent, need lots of patience, understanding, and compassion for the adjustment of your stepchildren. There may be times when they think you’re the best thing ever, and there will be times when they’d instead you go away. They should know that they can count on you no matter what. When asked, your stepchildren will benefit from your support, encouragement, and advice. More is expected from you as a stepparent than from your stepchild. One expectation you should have is that your stepchild respects you as they would any other adult, like their teacher, coach, aunt, or uncle.
Parents and stepparents have a strong foundation to have a healthy and solid blended family. When the parent and stepparent are a united front, young children to adult children will thrive from a solid parental base or foundation. When children see that their biological parent and stepparent are a strong unit, then they’ll know that it’s real. They can trust the permanency of the relationship. On this note, avoid the mistake of complaining to your children about their stepparent because when you do, you create nicks in the foundation. Although you might be venting about their stepparent, your child might interpret that you don’t have a solid foundation, which can undermine what you’re striving for.
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